1 00:00:05,720 --> 00:00:07,520 Jesus, Dave. 2 00:00:07,600 --> 00:00:08,920 [retch] 3 00:00:11,640 --> 00:00:13,520 Men shouldn't lie to women. 4 00:00:13,600 --> 00:00:15,080 Don't feel you need to talk to me. 5 00:00:15,160 --> 00:00:17,800 Nothing ventured, nothing gained. 6 00:00:17,880 --> 00:00:20,920 Rob: Hey, Harita, I want to talk about my future, 7 00:00:21,000 --> 00:00:23,160 see if you had any use for this old bag of bones 8 00:00:23,240 --> 00:00:24,600 around the old shop. 9 00:00:24,680 --> 00:00:25,680 I miss you guys. 10 00:00:34,640 --> 00:00:36,600 Okay. 11 00:00:36,680 --> 00:00:38,600 [Rob, Sharon grunting] 12 00:00:38,680 --> 00:00:40,240 Where do you want me to come? 13 00:00:40,320 --> 00:00:41,760 - Okay. - No, where? 14 00:00:41,840 --> 00:00:43,640 - Huh? - Aah! 15 00:00:45,680 --> 00:00:47,400 Ugh. 16 00:00:47,480 --> 00:00:48,400 Ahh. 17 00:00:48,480 --> 00:00:50,000 Ohh. 18 00:00:50,080 --> 00:00:52,760 Are you sure it's okay that we did that? 19 00:00:52,840 --> 00:00:54,480 Yeah, it's fine because-- 20 00:00:56,680 --> 00:00:57,840 Oh, shit. 21 00:00:57,920 --> 00:00:59,960 Oh, fuck it. It should be okay. 22 00:01:00,040 --> 00:01:01,320 Did you pre-cum in me? 23 00:01:01,400 --> 00:01:03,560 Yeah, I was pre-cumming before I put it in. 24 00:01:03,640 --> 00:01:05,480 Well, that's not very nice. 25 00:01:08,120 --> 00:01:10,600 We need to be using birth control. 26 00:01:10,680 --> 00:01:11,960 We can't have any more kids. 27 00:01:12,040 --> 00:01:14,480 I gotta go and see the doctor tomorrow anyway 28 00:01:14,560 --> 00:01:17,000 to work out why my tits are so sore. 29 00:01:17,080 --> 00:01:20,400 I'll look into a coil or something. 30 00:01:20,480 --> 00:01:22,280 You've been saying that for over a year. 31 00:01:22,360 --> 00:01:25,080 Yeah, well, it's just hard because if I get the coil, 32 00:01:25,160 --> 00:01:26,320 it will probably stop the sore tits 33 00:01:26,400 --> 00:01:28,040 because it will be stopping my periods, 34 00:01:28,120 --> 00:01:29,440 but the only thing I like about my periods 35 00:01:29,520 --> 00:01:30,960 - is that I get big tits. - That hurt. 36 00:01:31,040 --> 00:01:32,240 Yeah, but that are big. 37 00:01:32,320 --> 00:01:33,640 Yeah, I guess big tits 38 00:01:33,720 --> 00:01:35,320 are worth a little pain. 39 00:01:35,400 --> 00:01:36,680 I wonder how much pain I'd put up with 40 00:01:36,760 --> 00:01:37,800 to be less fat. 41 00:01:37,880 --> 00:01:39,560 - Probably not much. - Yeah. 42 00:01:42,960 --> 00:01:44,560 Thank you so much. 43 00:01:44,640 --> 00:01:46,120 [laughing] 44 00:01:48,360 --> 00:01:50,160 What time do your folks get in tomorrow? 45 00:01:50,240 --> 00:01:52,240 Uh, they get in at 6. 46 00:01:52,320 --> 00:01:53,840 Fergal gets in at 3. 47 00:01:53,920 --> 00:01:55,280 What's he doing back here? 48 00:01:55,360 --> 00:01:57,280 He's got a little business here. 49 00:01:57,360 --> 00:02:00,080 How the fuck has Fergal managed to start another business? 50 00:02:00,160 --> 00:02:02,000 Any idiot can start a business. 51 00:02:02,080 --> 00:02:03,520 You could start a business. 52 00:02:03,600 --> 00:02:04,880 Business that sells what? 53 00:02:04,960 --> 00:02:06,040 Business. 54 00:02:06,120 --> 00:02:07,280 Do you not have any ideas? 55 00:02:07,360 --> 00:02:10,880 Well, I do have an idea for an app. 56 00:02:10,960 --> 00:02:12,160 Get out. 57 00:02:12,240 --> 00:02:14,440 No, seriously. Listen. 58 00:02:14,520 --> 00:02:16,240 You know how a lot of women in porn 59 00:02:16,320 --> 00:02:17,520 don't have pubic hair? 60 00:02:17,600 --> 00:02:18,680 Mm-hmm. 61 00:02:18,760 --> 00:02:20,280 And then you know how the Terminator 62 00:02:20,360 --> 00:02:24,040 sees things with, like, grids and heat signatures? 63 00:02:24,120 --> 00:02:25,240 What if there was an app 64 00:02:25,320 --> 00:02:26,960 that did the same kind of thing 65 00:02:27,040 --> 00:02:28,400 but only for bald pussies, 66 00:02:28,480 --> 00:02:30,240 and when it found a bald pussy, 67 00:02:30,320 --> 00:02:32,440 it put a nice healthy bush on it? 68 00:02:32,520 --> 00:02:34,880 You pick the style. Could be '70s bush 69 00:02:34,960 --> 00:02:37,240 or 1870s if you really want to. 70 00:02:37,320 --> 00:02:39,080 But, I mean, that's, you know, detail. 71 00:02:39,160 --> 00:02:40,880 That's up to the user. 72 00:02:40,960 --> 00:02:43,600 I'm being deadly serious now. 73 00:02:43,680 --> 00:02:45,320 That is a fucking brilliant idea. 74 00:02:45,400 --> 00:02:46,880 Devil's advocate, though. 75 00:02:46,960 --> 00:02:48,360 Have you thought about the fact 76 00:02:48,440 --> 00:02:49,960 that one day your daughter might find out 77 00:02:50,040 --> 00:02:52,000 what you do for a living? Doesn't that worry you? 78 00:02:52,080 --> 00:02:54,560 Am I worried that my daughter will find out 79 00:02:54,640 --> 00:02:56,800 that I'm a feminist innovator? 80 00:02:56,880 --> 00:02:58,120 No. 81 00:03:02,560 --> 00:03:04,080 [phone rings] 82 00:03:06,880 --> 00:03:08,240 Who's that? 83 00:03:08,320 --> 00:03:10,920 - Uh, Fran. - You're not going to answer it? 84 00:03:11,000 --> 00:03:12,800 No, I'll just let it go to voicemail, and then I'll text her. 85 00:03:12,880 --> 00:03:14,360 Hey, should I cook for your folks? 86 00:03:14,440 --> 00:03:15,880 Are they going to be eating? 87 00:03:15,960 --> 00:03:18,880 Uh, no. Let's not set that precedent. 88 00:03:18,960 --> 00:03:21,560 You want to telegraph they're not totally welcome here? 89 00:03:24,320 --> 00:03:26,520 Fran wants us to have dinner tomorrow night 90 00:03:26,600 --> 00:03:28,760 with her and Chris. That's weird. 91 00:03:28,840 --> 00:03:30,080 She wants to ask us something. 92 00:03:30,160 --> 00:03:31,800 I wonder what that's about. 93 00:03:31,880 --> 00:03:34,000 If you'd answered your phone, you might know that. 94 00:03:34,080 --> 00:03:36,040 Maybe they want a threesome. 95 00:03:36,120 --> 00:03:38,880 Uh, so wait, so three of us fuck, 96 00:03:38,960 --> 00:03:40,120 and then one of us makes sandwiches? 97 00:03:40,200 --> 00:03:41,400 You know I meant a foursome. 98 00:03:41,480 --> 00:03:42,680 I think that ship has sailed. 99 00:03:42,760 --> 00:03:44,080 What about your parents? 100 00:03:44,160 --> 00:03:45,600 No, I don't think they want a foursome, either. 101 00:03:45,680 --> 00:03:48,120 Ha! No they're just here for the night, 102 00:03:48,200 --> 00:03:49,440 and then they start their funeral tour. 103 00:03:49,520 --> 00:03:51,760 Two funerals in one visit. Fair play. 104 00:03:52,920 --> 00:03:54,120 Bye. 105 00:03:54,200 --> 00:03:55,280 Bye. 106 00:03:55,360 --> 00:03:56,720 Okay, I'm going to go to school. 107 00:03:56,800 --> 00:03:58,360 Drop some science on the leaders of tomorrow. 108 00:03:58,440 --> 00:03:59,480 What you doing? 109 00:03:59,560 --> 00:04:00,840 I'm just going to make the most 110 00:04:00,920 --> 00:04:02,440 of my last few days of freedom. 111 00:04:02,520 --> 00:04:05,120 Might go to a UKIP meeting or get a tattoo. 112 00:04:05,200 --> 00:04:07,840 Ugh. Don't get a tattoo. 113 00:04:11,000 --> 00:04:14,680 You want to go on the, um, sitting thing? 114 00:04:14,760 --> 00:04:17,280 The big soft sitting thing with the squares. 115 00:04:17,360 --> 00:04:18,280 - Uh-- - The couch? 116 00:04:18,360 --> 00:04:19,640 Couch. 117 00:04:19,720 --> 00:04:20,760 Couch? 118 00:04:20,840 --> 00:04:22,240 It's called a couch. 119 00:04:22,320 --> 00:04:23,480 Ha. That's a silly word. 120 00:04:23,560 --> 00:04:25,000 Ha ha. 121 00:04:25,080 --> 00:04:27,960 So you're back in the Braeband fold. 122 00:04:28,040 --> 00:04:30,200 - That sucks. - Yeah, but look, you know, 123 00:04:30,280 --> 00:04:31,640 I was watching the news the other night, 124 00:04:31,720 --> 00:04:34,000 and there's this doctor in Aleppo, 125 00:04:34,080 --> 00:04:36,280 and he puts people back together 126 00:04:36,360 --> 00:04:37,720 after they get blown up. 127 00:04:37,800 --> 00:04:39,240 And he just stays there and sticks it out. 128 00:04:39,320 --> 00:04:41,040 And I know that's not my situation, 129 00:04:41,120 --> 00:04:43,720 but my family is my Syria, 130 00:04:43,800 --> 00:04:45,920 and I have to work at a terrible job 131 00:04:46,000 --> 00:04:47,960 so that they can eat and live in a house, 132 00:04:48,040 --> 00:04:50,440 and that's just how it is. 133 00:04:50,520 --> 00:04:53,440 Isn't it more that you just couldn't get another job? 134 00:04:55,760 --> 00:04:57,520 Oh, speaking of Syria. 135 00:05:00,600 --> 00:05:02,120 Catherine wants a baby. 136 00:05:02,200 --> 00:05:03,400 Really? 137 00:05:03,480 --> 00:05:04,880 Well, that's great, buddy. 138 00:05:04,960 --> 00:05:06,120 Yeah, great for you, maybe. 139 00:05:06,200 --> 00:05:07,360 How's that great for me? 140 00:05:07,440 --> 00:05:08,480 I can't do it. 141 00:05:08,560 --> 00:05:10,000 Look at me. I'm an idiot. 142 00:05:10,080 --> 00:05:13,480 I haven't contributed one thing to society. 143 00:05:13,560 --> 00:05:15,200 What could I contribute as a father? 144 00:05:15,280 --> 00:05:19,040 What? You're funny. You're enterprising. 145 00:05:19,120 --> 00:05:21,040 You have beautiful blue eyes. 146 00:05:21,120 --> 00:05:23,000 Rob, 147 00:05:23,080 --> 00:05:24,720 if you're asking if you can jerk me off, 148 00:05:24,800 --> 00:05:26,280 the answer is yes. 149 00:05:28,680 --> 00:05:30,000 It's not unbearable pain. 150 00:05:30,080 --> 00:05:33,280 It's-- They just feel sort of hot. 151 00:05:33,360 --> 00:05:35,960 You know, and lumpier than usual, 152 00:05:36,040 --> 00:05:39,560 and yeah, you know, if I touch them or run, 153 00:05:39,640 --> 00:05:41,280 they just feel tender. 154 00:05:43,720 --> 00:05:44,640 Nipples? 155 00:05:44,720 --> 00:05:45,720 Pardon? 156 00:05:45,800 --> 00:05:47,720 Do your nipples feel tender? 157 00:05:47,800 --> 00:05:49,480 Mm-hmm. Mmm. 158 00:05:54,560 --> 00:05:55,640 Hmm. 159 00:06:00,560 --> 00:06:02,280 [keyboarding] 160 00:06:07,080 --> 00:06:08,280 You can put your top back on now. 161 00:06:09,440 --> 00:06:11,320 Oh, okay. 162 00:06:11,400 --> 00:06:13,640 So I don't feel anything suspicious. 163 00:06:13,720 --> 00:06:16,760 There are some fatty tissue deposits here and there. 164 00:06:16,840 --> 00:06:20,080 And one of your nipples is a little cock-eyed, 165 00:06:20,160 --> 00:06:22,920 but, uh, that's just cosmetic. 166 00:06:23,000 --> 00:06:25,160 Oh. Okay. 167 00:06:25,240 --> 00:06:26,440 Sorry. 168 00:06:28,120 --> 00:06:29,720 Geez, are my tits that filthy? 169 00:06:31,000 --> 00:06:33,640 Now, if you want, we can pop in a coil. 170 00:06:33,720 --> 00:06:34,920 That will stop your periods 171 00:06:35,000 --> 00:06:36,400 and almost certainly stop the breast pain. 172 00:06:36,480 --> 00:06:38,880 Uh, what form of contraception are you using now? 173 00:06:38,960 --> 00:06:40,000 Uh, pull it out. 174 00:06:40,080 --> 00:06:41,520 Um, the, you know, 175 00:06:41,600 --> 00:06:43,760 the pull-it-out-- usually-- method, 176 00:06:43,840 --> 00:06:45,280 which is obviously, you know, silly. 177 00:06:45,360 --> 00:06:46,760 Reckless. 178 00:06:46,840 --> 00:06:48,280 Yeah. Right. 179 00:06:48,360 --> 00:06:49,960 I thought about getting the coil, 180 00:06:50,040 --> 00:06:51,720 but, you know, I'm 44 now, 181 00:06:51,800 --> 00:06:53,320 and my husband's not in great shape, 182 00:06:53,400 --> 00:06:55,280 so I just thought, What are the chances, really? 183 00:06:55,360 --> 00:06:57,760 Would you like me to assess your ovarian reserve? 184 00:06:57,840 --> 00:06:58,920 Eggs? 185 00:06:59,000 --> 00:06:59,960 Yeah. 186 00:07:00,040 --> 00:07:02,880 Uh, yeah, sure. 187 00:07:02,960 --> 00:07:04,200 How many do I have? 188 00:07:04,280 --> 00:07:05,760 Well, I'll have to take a look-see. 189 00:07:05,840 --> 00:07:07,120 Okay, sure. 190 00:07:08,280 --> 00:07:09,840 Do I need to take my tights off? 191 00:07:09,920 --> 00:07:12,400 I'd recommend it. 192 00:07:14,880 --> 00:07:16,600 - Hey. - Hey! 193 00:07:16,680 --> 00:07:18,320 You ready? 194 00:07:18,400 --> 00:07:19,760 I thought we could go get algae wraps 195 00:07:19,840 --> 00:07:21,280 before the Action for Children dinner. 196 00:07:21,360 --> 00:07:22,720 Sure. Oh, shit. 197 00:07:22,800 --> 00:07:25,320 I left my, um-- um... 198 00:07:25,400 --> 00:07:27,440 Let me go grab my, uh-- 199 00:07:27,520 --> 00:07:29,360 um... 200 00:07:29,440 --> 00:07:30,760 How have you been, Rob? 201 00:07:30,840 --> 00:07:32,520 Good. Great. 202 00:07:32,600 --> 00:07:33,800 How are you? How's-- 203 00:07:33,880 --> 00:07:35,160 You were a real mess the night Dave OD'd. 204 00:07:35,240 --> 00:07:37,200 It's none of my business, really, 205 00:07:37,280 --> 00:07:38,680 but are you getting the help that you need? 206 00:07:38,760 --> 00:07:42,120 Sure. I mean no because I'm fine. 207 00:07:42,200 --> 00:07:44,120 You know, it was a one-time thing. 208 00:07:44,200 --> 00:07:45,960 You know, if you ever need to talk, 209 00:07:46,040 --> 00:07:47,640 you can just come over. 210 00:07:47,720 --> 00:07:49,240 Bring Sharon. 211 00:07:50,680 --> 00:07:51,800 See you later, buddy. 212 00:07:53,080 --> 00:07:55,280 Couch. I'm going to look that up 213 00:07:55,360 --> 00:07:57,240 because I think you're pulling my leg. 214 00:08:04,280 --> 00:08:06,120 Fergal: That's our neighbors Sebastian and Maria. 215 00:08:06,200 --> 00:08:07,720 They don't speak English, but they have a Jacuzzi. 216 00:08:07,800 --> 00:08:10,040 - Ooh! - There's Mallandra in the Jacuzzi. 217 00:08:10,120 --> 00:08:12,160 - Ah. - That's the kitchen. 218 00:08:12,240 --> 00:08:13,360 Oh! 219 00:08:13,440 --> 00:08:14,560 That's not our cat. 220 00:08:14,640 --> 00:08:16,280 That's just some Spanish cat. 221 00:08:16,360 --> 00:08:18,920 Oh, that's our fire grill, or parrilla, 222 00:08:19,000 --> 00:08:20,840 where we do our asados. 223 00:08:20,920 --> 00:08:22,240 That's Spanish for special barbecue. 224 00:08:22,320 --> 00:08:24,320 Wow, really living the life of Riley. 225 00:08:24,400 --> 00:08:25,640 How's business? 226 00:08:25,720 --> 00:08:27,200 Well, my Spanish Uber idea 227 00:08:27,280 --> 00:08:28,880 hasn't got off the ground yet for two reasons. 228 00:08:28,960 --> 00:08:30,680 The Spanish drivers are unbelievably lazy. 229 00:08:30,760 --> 00:08:31,960 And then, when they actually do show up on time, 230 00:08:32,040 --> 00:08:33,320 people get angry with them. 231 00:08:33,400 --> 00:08:34,840 If you're on time for something in Spain, 232 00:08:34,920 --> 00:08:36,560 they look at you like you've got two heads. 233 00:08:36,640 --> 00:08:38,240 Point is it's a lazy culture with no respect for time. 234 00:08:38,320 --> 00:08:39,680 And you'd be better off going into some kind 235 00:08:39,760 --> 00:08:41,400 of ham-based business. 236 00:08:41,480 --> 00:08:43,400 They always have time for ham. 237 00:08:43,480 --> 00:08:45,280 But I'm going to be marketing leather man bags over here 238 00:08:45,360 --> 00:08:46,880 that you get in Malaga for fuck all. 239 00:08:46,960 --> 00:08:48,520 They're cheap as chips, and they're great quality. 240 00:08:48,600 --> 00:08:50,120 Dad already bought one. 241 00:08:50,200 --> 00:08:51,840 Dad, show us your man bag. 242 00:08:51,920 --> 00:08:53,160 - What? - Your new bag. 243 00:08:53,240 --> 00:08:54,200 Your leather satchel. 244 00:08:54,280 --> 00:08:55,280 Oh, here. 245 00:08:55,360 --> 00:08:56,840 Yeah. Here we go. 246 00:08:56,920 --> 00:08:57,880 Ahem. 247 00:08:58,960 --> 00:08:59,880 See? 248 00:08:59,960 --> 00:09:01,560 Wow. 249 00:09:01,640 --> 00:09:02,560 You want to buy one? 250 00:09:02,640 --> 00:09:04,040 That's your business? 251 00:09:04,120 --> 00:09:05,400 Selling bags to me and Des? 252 00:09:05,480 --> 00:09:06,400 [chuckle] 253 00:09:06,480 --> 00:09:07,920 Very funny. 254 00:09:08,000 --> 00:09:09,360 I hear you're heading back into Braeband. 255 00:09:09,440 --> 00:09:10,840 Christ, don't blow your brains out. 256 00:09:10,920 --> 00:09:12,080 I thought you hated that place. 257 00:09:12,160 --> 00:09:14,080 You still owe me £8,000. 258 00:09:14,160 --> 00:09:15,520 I'm going to go get the tuna off the grill. 259 00:09:15,600 --> 00:09:17,120 You all right, Sha? 260 00:09:17,200 --> 00:09:18,520 You look a bit distracted. 261 00:09:18,600 --> 00:09:20,760 Huh? No, fine. 262 00:09:20,840 --> 00:09:23,920 You guys should head over to Spain for a break. 263 00:09:24,000 --> 00:09:25,640 Get a bit of sun. 264 00:09:25,720 --> 00:09:27,400 We have to settle things back home first. 265 00:09:27,480 --> 00:09:29,320 We've put the house on the market. 266 00:09:29,400 --> 00:09:31,440 Your father was having a bit of trouble with the stairs. 267 00:09:31,520 --> 00:09:33,160 We saw a bungalow in town. 268 00:09:33,240 --> 00:09:34,560 What? 269 00:09:34,640 --> 00:09:36,840 Next door to Margaret Flynn's eldest daughter. 270 00:09:36,920 --> 00:09:39,640 Do you remember her? Siobhan. 271 00:09:39,720 --> 00:09:41,320 She's divorced now. 272 00:09:41,400 --> 00:09:43,360 She's living with a black fella from Germany. 273 00:09:43,440 --> 00:09:45,960 Jesus. Why are you only telling me this now? 274 00:09:46,040 --> 00:09:48,000 Well, Siobhan had only just told me. 275 00:09:48,080 --> 00:09:50,080 No. About moving. 276 00:09:50,160 --> 00:09:51,920 You're terrible communicators. 277 00:09:52,000 --> 00:09:54,000 If you're having trouble, I'd like to help. 278 00:09:54,080 --> 00:09:55,320 But you have to tell me. 279 00:09:55,400 --> 00:09:57,360 We're not moving back here. 280 00:09:57,440 --> 00:09:59,640 I don't want to die in Walthamstow. 281 00:09:59,720 --> 00:10:00,840 You're not going to die, 282 00:10:00,920 --> 00:10:02,080 and this isn't Walthamstow. 283 00:10:02,160 --> 00:10:03,960 Would you prefer to die in Spain, Dad? 284 00:10:04,040 --> 00:10:06,120 Huh. Might be nice. 285 00:10:06,200 --> 00:10:08,200 Is there a phone here? 286 00:10:08,280 --> 00:10:11,240 Yeah. Yeah. You can use mine. Who do you need to call? 287 00:10:11,320 --> 00:10:14,800 Let Carol know I won't be home for dinner. 288 00:10:14,880 --> 00:10:17,640 She's a cranky old bitch when I'm late. 289 00:10:24,160 --> 00:10:27,080 Mum said from about 6:30 he's pretty useless. 290 00:10:27,160 --> 00:10:28,440 He's like a toddler now. 291 00:10:28,520 --> 00:10:30,040 It's bonkers. 292 00:10:30,120 --> 00:10:32,040 It's tough being away with all this going on. 293 00:10:32,120 --> 00:10:34,520 I mean, what if something happens to Dad? 294 00:10:34,600 --> 00:10:36,720 Don't be stupid. Nothing's going to happen to him. 295 00:10:36,800 --> 00:10:38,440 And if it does, it'll be a long, grim march. 296 00:10:38,520 --> 00:10:39,640 A denouement. 297 00:10:39,720 --> 00:10:41,280 Ugh. Knob. 298 00:10:41,360 --> 00:10:43,120 You're in a shit mood tonight. 299 00:10:43,200 --> 00:10:45,040 I know. 300 00:10:45,120 --> 00:10:48,720 I just found out I'm, like, 99% barren. 301 00:10:48,800 --> 00:10:49,840 What? 302 00:10:49,920 --> 00:10:51,840 I started out with 4 million eggs, 303 00:10:51,920 --> 00:10:55,200 clutches of eggs, and now there's, like, a handful. 304 00:10:55,280 --> 00:10:56,920 I'm just an old crone. 305 00:10:57,000 --> 00:10:58,240 I should start figuring out 306 00:10:58,320 --> 00:11:00,720 if I want to be buried or cremated. 307 00:11:00,800 --> 00:11:03,560 Well, I think that you should be buried 308 00:11:03,640 --> 00:11:06,080 because I'd like to have somewhere to go and visit you. 309 00:11:06,160 --> 00:11:09,000 Bring Frankie and Muireann, sit down, play my luge. 310 00:11:09,080 --> 00:11:11,160 Who cares? No one knows you're old. 311 00:11:11,240 --> 00:11:13,520 No one can see your egg pockets or whatever. 312 00:11:13,600 --> 00:11:15,120 We're lucky, genes-wise. 313 00:11:15,200 --> 00:11:16,720 No one would believe Rob and I are the same age. 314 00:11:16,800 --> 00:11:18,000 He looks like shit. 315 00:11:18,080 --> 00:11:19,920 He doesn't look like shit. 316 00:11:20,000 --> 00:11:21,960 He's just a bit heavier at the moment 317 00:11:22,040 --> 00:11:23,720 because he's stressed out 318 00:11:23,800 --> 00:11:25,560 and he's eaten a lot of coffee toffee ice cream, okay? 319 00:11:25,640 --> 00:11:27,000 Give him a break. 320 00:11:33,720 --> 00:11:35,160 Come here. 321 00:11:35,240 --> 00:11:36,400 Ah, don't fuss. 322 00:11:36,480 --> 00:11:37,920 Just hugging you. 323 00:11:42,600 --> 00:11:44,160 I'll call you when we get to Peg's. 324 00:11:44,240 --> 00:11:46,720 Call me any time. I worry about you and him. 325 00:11:46,800 --> 00:11:47,720 Ugh. 326 00:11:56,120 --> 00:11:57,560 Sharon: Uhh. 327 00:11:57,640 --> 00:11:59,040 Are you okay? 328 00:11:59,120 --> 00:12:00,800 Yeah, I'm fi-- Oh, God. 329 00:12:00,880 --> 00:12:02,680 I'm just getting so old. 330 00:12:02,760 --> 00:12:04,160 Everyone's getting old. 331 00:12:04,240 --> 00:12:05,600 Frankie wipes his own arse now. 332 00:12:05,680 --> 00:12:07,000 My eggs are dead. 333 00:12:07,080 --> 00:12:08,120 Well, honey, he doesn't-- 334 00:12:08,200 --> 00:12:09,240 Okay, yeah, he wipes it, 335 00:12:09,320 --> 00:12:10,840 but he doesn't wipe it clean. 336 00:12:10,920 --> 00:12:12,200 He just wipes it around the place. 337 00:12:12,280 --> 00:12:13,960 I think I'm having a hot flush. 338 00:12:14,040 --> 00:12:16,160 You're not having a hot flush. 339 00:12:16,240 --> 00:12:18,440 It's probably just a panic attack. 340 00:12:20,600 --> 00:12:22,960 You lads okay with me sticking around for a few days? 341 00:12:27,280 --> 00:12:29,040 This is really good. 342 00:12:31,080 --> 00:12:32,280 What is it? 343 00:12:32,360 --> 00:12:33,840 Meat. I mean beef. 344 00:12:33,920 --> 00:12:35,240 - Mm. - I thought so. 345 00:12:35,320 --> 00:12:36,520 I had to hone my culinary skills 346 00:12:36,600 --> 00:12:38,120 when Chris left. 347 00:12:38,200 --> 00:12:40,120 It's just me and Jamie Oliver now. 348 00:12:40,200 --> 00:12:43,120 I just popped it in the slow cooker, and voilà. 349 00:12:43,200 --> 00:12:45,200 Voilà what? 350 00:12:45,280 --> 00:12:46,760 Falls off the bone. 351 00:12:48,200 --> 00:12:49,840 Hello, love. Can I get you anything? 352 00:12:49,920 --> 00:12:51,040 No, thanks. 353 00:12:51,120 --> 00:12:53,000 Can you say hello to Sharon and Rob? 354 00:12:53,080 --> 00:12:54,680 - Hello. - Hi, Jeffrey. 355 00:12:54,760 --> 00:12:55,800 You've gotten tall. 356 00:12:55,880 --> 00:12:57,080 Before I forget. 357 00:13:00,520 --> 00:13:02,400 - For you. - Oh, wow. 358 00:13:02,480 --> 00:13:04,120 When did this come out? I didn't see this. 359 00:13:04,200 --> 00:13:06,560 Well, it came out on DVD same time as streaming. 360 00:13:06,640 --> 00:13:09,960 Didn't get a theatrical release because it's arthouse. 361 00:13:10,040 --> 00:13:12,240 Would you like Jeffrey to autograph it for you? 362 00:13:12,320 --> 00:13:14,200 - Fran - For God's sake. 363 00:13:14,280 --> 00:13:16,560 I'm only saying what they're thinking. 364 00:13:16,640 --> 00:13:18,600 You working on anything at the moment, Jeffrey? 365 00:13:18,680 --> 00:13:20,240 Not really. 366 00:13:20,320 --> 00:13:22,200 He's just wrapped in Woody Allen's new film. 367 00:13:22,280 --> 00:13:23,480 Robert Duvall and Emma Watson 368 00:13:23,560 --> 00:13:25,240 play star-crossed lovers in Vienna. 369 00:13:25,320 --> 00:13:27,120 I was worried. I won't lie. 370 00:13:27,200 --> 00:13:30,600 But they have on-set tutors to, you know, keep an eye. 371 00:13:30,680 --> 00:13:32,960 Chaperones, you know. 372 00:13:33,040 --> 00:13:34,720 Right, what have you got coming up next? 373 00:13:34,800 --> 00:13:37,000 Nothing interesting. Mostly just American shit. 374 00:13:37,080 --> 00:13:39,560 - Right. - Maybe if I had a pair of tits, 375 00:13:39,640 --> 00:13:41,040 I'd have a chance of getting on "Game of Thrones." 376 00:13:42,360 --> 00:13:44,200 No Star Wars,either. 377 00:13:44,280 --> 00:13:45,760 They're only interested in women now, 378 00:13:45,840 --> 00:13:47,720 which I think is great, but, you know, come on. 379 00:13:47,800 --> 00:13:49,880 Give it a rest. 380 00:13:52,840 --> 00:13:55,280 I just think he's not being honest with himself 381 00:13:55,360 --> 00:13:56,920 or with her. 382 00:13:57,000 --> 00:13:59,560 When I asked him why he smelled of piss that night, 383 00:13:59,640 --> 00:14:03,520 he said you'd pissed on him, which is bullshit, right? 384 00:14:03,600 --> 00:14:05,200 If you piss yourself 385 00:14:05,280 --> 00:14:06,520 the first night back drinking, 386 00:14:06,600 --> 00:14:07,840 then you've got a problem. 387 00:14:07,920 --> 00:14:10,600 The likelihood of that being a one-time thing-- 388 00:14:10,680 --> 00:14:12,000 I don't think this is working. 389 00:14:15,960 --> 00:14:19,080 Well, I have good news. 390 00:14:20,360 --> 00:14:21,680 It is. 391 00:14:21,760 --> 00:14:24,040 I was thinking about what you said. 392 00:14:24,120 --> 00:14:25,560 About having a baby? 393 00:14:25,640 --> 00:14:26,680 Yeah. 394 00:14:26,760 --> 00:14:28,400 I'm not going to do that. 395 00:14:28,480 --> 00:14:29,960 You don't want kids? 396 00:14:30,040 --> 00:14:31,320 No, no, I do. 397 00:14:31,400 --> 00:14:33,960 I mean, biologically and psychologically, 398 00:14:34,040 --> 00:14:35,840 I want to be a dad. 399 00:14:35,920 --> 00:14:39,240 Frankie made Rob a paper boat the other day. 400 00:14:39,320 --> 00:14:41,000 I mean, it was shitty. It sank. 401 00:14:41,080 --> 00:14:45,200 But I'd like a little person to make me a boat. 402 00:14:45,280 --> 00:14:47,040 Of course I would. 403 00:14:47,120 --> 00:14:48,160 But I know I shouldn't. 404 00:14:48,240 --> 00:14:51,000 My ingredients are bad. 405 00:14:51,080 --> 00:14:52,400 How are they bad? 406 00:14:52,480 --> 00:14:53,920 You speak fluent Russian. 407 00:14:54,000 --> 00:14:55,640 I am not a good person. 408 00:14:55,720 --> 00:14:57,760 And I've met a lot of people along the way 409 00:14:57,840 --> 00:14:58,960 who agree with me. 410 00:15:00,440 --> 00:15:02,840 So I don't get the little boat. 411 00:15:02,920 --> 00:15:04,920 And so what? 412 00:15:05,000 --> 00:15:07,280 You don't get everything you want. Ha. 413 00:15:08,800 --> 00:15:09,920 I'm pregnant. 414 00:15:10,000 --> 00:15:13,080 That is wonderful news. 415 00:15:13,160 --> 00:15:17,680 So...cut to the chase. 416 00:15:17,760 --> 00:15:19,600 We invited you here this evening 417 00:15:19,680 --> 00:15:22,680 to showcase my slow cooker, obviously, 418 00:15:22,760 --> 00:15:27,840 and to say that, well, because of the divorce, 419 00:15:27,920 --> 00:15:30,320 we have to do some estate planning. 420 00:15:30,400 --> 00:15:33,160 And we wanted to ask you two 421 00:15:33,240 --> 00:15:36,600 if you would consider being legal guardians to Jeffrey. 422 00:15:36,680 --> 00:15:38,880 Look after him if we die. If we both die. 423 00:15:38,960 --> 00:15:40,760 Wow. 424 00:15:40,840 --> 00:15:42,920 Oh. Right. 425 00:15:43,000 --> 00:15:44,960 Um, wow. Um... 426 00:15:45,040 --> 00:15:46,240 Okay. 427 00:15:46,320 --> 00:15:47,520 Well, that's-- 428 00:15:47,600 --> 00:15:49,080 that's a lot to take in. 429 00:15:49,160 --> 00:15:50,200 - Um... - I mean, 430 00:15:50,280 --> 00:15:52,640 may I ask why us? 431 00:15:52,720 --> 00:15:55,160 - Because we love you. - We couldn't agree on anyone else. 432 00:15:56,400 --> 00:15:58,280 Right. 433 00:15:58,360 --> 00:16:00,080 Well, I mean, that's really flattering, right? 434 00:16:00,160 --> 00:16:04,040 Oh, yeah. I mean, you know, for me, it's yes. 435 00:16:04,120 --> 00:16:06,640 I don't want to speak on Sharon's behalf, but-- 436 00:16:06,720 --> 00:16:08,000 Right, yeah. I mean, 437 00:16:08,080 --> 00:16:10,840 for me, it's, um... But I just think, 438 00:16:10,920 --> 00:16:13,120 out of respect for the question and for you guys, 439 00:16:13,200 --> 00:16:15,520 it's something, you know, we should discuss at home. 440 00:16:15,600 --> 00:16:18,880 Take your time. Not too long, though. 441 00:16:18,960 --> 00:16:20,400 [chuckle] 442 00:16:20,480 --> 00:16:22,720 We thought you just wanted a foursome. 443 00:16:29,880 --> 00:16:33,280 How about Fran puts on some tea, 444 00:16:33,360 --> 00:16:34,640 I have a piss, 445 00:16:34,720 --> 00:16:37,480 and then we come back and you say yes? 446 00:16:37,560 --> 00:16:39,640 But we're not-- we're not saying no. 447 00:16:39,720 --> 00:16:41,680 I think what we're probably saying is that, 448 00:16:41,760 --> 00:16:43,000 you know, we just need time to-- 449 00:16:43,080 --> 00:16:44,200 - Douglas: I'm home. - [door closes] 450 00:16:44,280 --> 00:16:45,280 Is that Douglas? 451 00:16:45,360 --> 00:16:47,120 You're early. 452 00:16:47,200 --> 00:16:49,560 Yeah, finished up early, so I thought I'd pop back 453 00:16:49,640 --> 00:16:52,760 to see if the Warsaw Pact was drawing to a close. 454 00:16:56,600 --> 00:16:58,200 Fran [chuckling]: Mm. 455 00:16:58,280 --> 00:16:59,800 Douglas: Mm. [kiss] Mm. 456 00:17:02,480 --> 00:17:06,360 Oh, um, this is Sharon and Rob. 457 00:17:06,440 --> 00:17:09,520 Good friends. And this is Douglas. 458 00:17:09,600 --> 00:17:10,840 - Hi. - Hi. 459 00:17:10,920 --> 00:17:12,160 Aloha. 460 00:17:12,240 --> 00:17:14,560 And Chris. 461 00:17:14,640 --> 00:17:16,840 This is Douglas. Ahem. 462 00:17:16,920 --> 00:17:18,280 Nice to meet you, Chris. 463 00:17:19,400 --> 00:17:22,120 Well, there you are. 464 00:17:22,200 --> 00:17:24,040 There's some meat-- 465 00:17:24,120 --> 00:17:26,800 uh, beef in the slow cooker if you're hungry. 466 00:17:26,880 --> 00:17:30,120 No, thanks. I'd like to die with all my own teeth. 467 00:17:35,760 --> 00:17:37,320 Have you seen this? 468 00:17:37,400 --> 00:17:39,560 Uh, no, no. We just got it. 469 00:17:43,800 --> 00:17:46,840 So...where is the little laddy? 470 00:17:50,080 --> 00:17:51,800 Rob: We should maybe say yes 471 00:17:51,880 --> 00:17:53,400 because are both of them going to die 472 00:17:53,480 --> 00:17:54,680 in the next three years? 473 00:17:54,760 --> 00:17:56,760 No way. And then we'll have done 474 00:17:56,840 --> 00:17:58,360 something wonderful for them, 475 00:17:58,440 --> 00:17:59,840 so they'll let us stay 476 00:17:59,920 --> 00:18:02,280 at their beach house in Biarritz probably. 477 00:18:02,360 --> 00:18:04,560 Yeah, but what if she dies of cancer 478 00:18:04,640 --> 00:18:07,720 and then he dies a year later of a different kind of cancer? 479 00:18:07,800 --> 00:18:10,000 Or if he gets hit by a rubbish truck? 480 00:18:10,080 --> 00:18:11,440 You know, or what if he doesn't die? 481 00:18:11,520 --> 00:18:13,000 What if he's just a vegetable 482 00:18:13,080 --> 00:18:14,680 or has to live in an iron lung? 483 00:18:14,760 --> 00:18:16,600 I don't want to look after Chris and Jeffrey. 484 00:18:16,680 --> 00:18:17,960 I mean, I love Chris, 485 00:18:18,040 --> 00:18:20,120 but I don't want to have to wash his balls. 486 00:18:20,200 --> 00:18:22,120 - Really? - No. Look, 487 00:18:22,200 --> 00:18:24,600 I'm just saying we need to read the small print. What do we get? 488 00:18:24,680 --> 00:18:26,840 Yeah? I mean, we know what they get. 489 00:18:26,920 --> 00:18:29,040 They get their son taken care of. What do we get? 490 00:18:29,120 --> 00:18:30,520 Let's ask them. 491 00:18:30,600 --> 00:18:32,040 I mean, maybe we get their house. 492 00:18:32,120 --> 00:18:33,560 You know, we'd have to maintain 493 00:18:33,640 --> 00:18:35,440 Jeffrey's deluxe lifestyle. 494 00:18:35,520 --> 00:18:37,920 Yeah, because, like, what if Daniel Radcliffe 495 00:18:38,000 --> 00:18:39,880 and Susan Sarandon want to come over? 496 00:18:39,960 --> 00:18:41,600 You know they can't come here. 497 00:18:41,680 --> 00:18:43,920 They should let us move in to their house when they die. 498 00:18:44,000 --> 00:18:47,280 Okay, so we say we'll do it if they sign a contract 499 00:18:47,360 --> 00:18:51,320 giving us a sort of posthumous dowry of their house. 500 00:18:51,400 --> 00:18:52,920 Yeah, but just temporarily 501 00:18:53,000 --> 00:18:54,760 until Jeffrey turns 18-- 502 00:18:54,840 --> 00:18:55,920 or 21. 503 00:18:56,000 --> 00:18:57,280 Jesus. 504 00:18:57,360 --> 00:18:59,240 Talk about two birds with one stone. 505 00:18:59,320 --> 00:19:00,560 How do you mean? 506 00:19:00,640 --> 00:19:02,680 Well, you were worried about no eggs. 507 00:19:02,760 --> 00:19:04,400 Now you're going to get an extra son, 508 00:19:04,480 --> 00:19:06,880 and Susan Sarandon's coming over for dinner. 509 00:19:08,800 --> 00:19:10,360 What? 510 00:19:10,440 --> 00:19:11,880 What-- 511 00:19:11,960 --> 00:19:13,120 Why don't you say something 512 00:19:13,200 --> 00:19:15,920 to make me feel better about my no eggs? 513 00:19:16,000 --> 00:19:17,280 What if you went to the doctor 514 00:19:17,360 --> 00:19:18,760 and they were like, "Oh, bad luck, 515 00:19:18,840 --> 00:19:20,560 you've no sperm left in you"? 516 00:19:20,640 --> 00:19:22,360 What you blow into your wife from now on 517 00:19:22,440 --> 00:19:25,920 will just be, you know, dead glop. 518 00:19:26,000 --> 00:19:28,440 I'd say that's terrific. 519 00:19:28,520 --> 00:19:29,840 No, you wouldn't. 520 00:19:29,920 --> 00:19:31,800 And what if you have the urge to make more babies? 521 00:19:31,880 --> 00:19:34,760 You know? What if your body's like, "I need more babies," 522 00:19:34,840 --> 00:19:37,160 and my egg-less body can't do it, and so you leave me? 523 00:19:37,240 --> 00:19:38,800 Do you not listen to me? 524 00:19:38,880 --> 00:19:41,000 I would love you more if you had no eggs. 525 00:19:41,080 --> 00:19:43,560 I want to be with you, our current children, 526 00:19:43,640 --> 00:19:44,840 and that's it. 527 00:19:46,000 --> 00:19:47,680 I'm rotting, Rob. 528 00:19:47,760 --> 00:19:49,040 Me, too. 529 00:19:49,120 --> 00:19:50,640 And that's fine. 530 00:19:50,720 --> 00:19:53,040 Look, your body is slowly turning off, 531 00:19:53,120 --> 00:19:54,560 and that's upsetting to you, 532 00:19:54,640 --> 00:19:56,520 but it's supposed to happen. 533 00:19:56,600 --> 00:19:58,120 And if it's any consolation, 534 00:19:58,200 --> 00:20:01,520 your pussy still tastes and smells delicious. 535 00:20:01,600 --> 00:20:03,120 And not all of them do. 536 00:20:04,360 --> 00:20:06,320 Honestly, that really means a lot. 537 00:20:09,520 --> 00:20:11,360 What about Douglas, though? 538 00:20:11,440 --> 00:20:13,400 Holy shit. 539 00:20:13,480 --> 00:20:16,120 You can tell he sucks right out of the gate. 540 00:20:16,200 --> 00:20:17,160 Yeah. 541 00:20:17,240 --> 00:20:18,560 [knock on door] 542 00:20:18,640 --> 00:20:19,720 What? 543 00:20:19,800 --> 00:20:21,000 Fergal: Can you give me a hand? 544 00:20:21,080 --> 00:20:22,240 I can't get the printer working. 545 00:20:25,120 --> 00:20:26,840 What do you need fucking printing anyway? 546 00:20:26,920 --> 00:20:28,040 Nothing. 547 00:20:28,120 --> 00:20:29,840 Huh? 548 00:20:29,920 --> 00:20:31,120 I don't need anything printed. 549 00:20:31,200 --> 00:20:32,800 I just needed to talk to you. 550 00:20:32,880 --> 00:20:34,880 I've run away from Spain. 551 00:20:34,960 --> 00:20:36,720 - What? - I want to leave Spain, 552 00:20:36,800 --> 00:20:37,920 and if Mallandra won't come back, 553 00:20:38,000 --> 00:20:39,120 then I'm going to leave Mallandra. 554 00:20:39,200 --> 00:20:40,640 She's horrible in Spain. 555 00:20:40,720 --> 00:20:42,040 She walks around naked now, 556 00:20:42,120 --> 00:20:43,640 all comfortable with her body. 557 00:20:43,720 --> 00:20:45,880 Also, some of the lads from the local cantina 558 00:20:45,960 --> 00:20:48,280 took me to a bull fight, and I fainted. 559 00:20:48,360 --> 00:20:50,800 So I'm pretty much blacklisted now socially. 560 00:20:50,880 --> 00:20:52,520 Just need to figure out a way 561 00:20:52,600 --> 00:20:54,040 to get the girls out of the country legally. 562 00:20:54,120 --> 00:20:56,600 [laughing] 563 00:20:56,680 --> 00:20:57,800 It's not funny. 564 00:20:57,880 --> 00:20:59,520 No, but, I mean, 565 00:20:59,600 --> 00:21:01,200 I can see how it's not funny to you, 566 00:21:01,280 --> 00:21:03,680 but can you see how it's quite funny to me? 567 00:21:03,760 --> 00:21:05,800 - No. - Well, look, you can't stay here. 568 00:21:05,880 --> 00:21:08,000 - Where am I supposed to go? - Where did you say your girls were again? 569 00:21:08,080 --> 00:21:10,000 - Spain. - Well, there you go. 570 00:21:30,560 --> 00:21:31,920 Oh, shit. 571 00:21:45,960 --> 00:21:47,400 [doorbell rings] 572 00:21:51,760 --> 00:21:53,480 I think you know why I'm here. 573 00:21:53,560 --> 00:21:56,680 I'm here to bully you into being guardian to my kid. 574 00:21:56,760 --> 00:21:58,880 It's you guys or ape man Douglas, 575 00:21:58,960 --> 00:22:00,800 and I'd re-animate from the dead 576 00:22:00,880 --> 00:22:03,480 to stop that fucker ever getting his mitts on him. 577 00:22:04,640 --> 00:22:07,520 Adopt my son when I die. 578 00:22:09,040 --> 00:22:11,080 Mate, I'm pretty sure I can smell booze on you. 579 00:22:11,160 --> 00:22:12,720 Don't you not drink? 580 00:22:12,800 --> 00:22:14,680 I have the odd drink now. 581 00:22:14,760 --> 00:22:17,280 Okay. 582 00:22:17,360 --> 00:22:18,440 Does Sharon know? 583 00:22:18,520 --> 00:22:20,680 I have the odd private drink. 584 00:22:20,760 --> 00:22:22,840 Right. 585 00:22:22,920 --> 00:22:24,240 You want to talk about it? 586 00:22:24,320 --> 00:22:25,960 Not really. 587 00:22:26,040 --> 00:22:28,440 I mean, I didn't drink, and now I slightly drink. 588 00:22:28,520 --> 00:22:30,440 But look, you don't need to bully me. 589 00:22:30,520 --> 00:22:32,200 We'll be guardians to your son. 590 00:22:32,280 --> 00:22:33,680 There's just some fine print-- 591 00:22:33,760 --> 00:22:35,840 No, you've got a lot on your plate. 592 00:22:35,920 --> 00:22:37,040 Let's park it. 593 00:22:37,120 --> 00:22:38,600 Well, why? That's-- 594 00:22:38,680 --> 00:22:40,440 For a good few years you told me you shouldn't drink, 595 00:22:40,520 --> 00:22:42,320 and I took your word for it. 596 00:22:42,400 --> 00:22:46,080 And now you're drinking. 597 00:22:46,160 --> 00:22:49,360 Well, okay. But, like, look, can you-- 598 00:22:49,440 --> 00:22:50,800 I won't tell Sharon. 599 00:22:50,880 --> 00:22:52,200 Someone will, though. 600 00:22:52,280 --> 00:22:54,400 May be a good idea if it was you. 601 00:22:56,920 --> 00:22:58,840 H-Hang on a second, Chris. 602 00:22:58,920 --> 00:23:01,320 Listen, I know what you're thinking, and I just want to say 603 00:23:01,400 --> 00:23:04,600 I don't know I had a problem with booze itself. 604 00:23:04,680 --> 00:23:06,560 I mean, yeah, sure I had problems. 605 00:23:06,640 --> 00:23:08,840 Can you trace it to booze? You know, I'm not so sure. 606 00:23:08,920 --> 00:23:10,240 You know, I was younger then. 607 00:23:11,320 --> 00:23:12,640 Oh, fuck! 608 00:23:12,720 --> 00:23:15,720 Ohh. Oh, this is-- 609 00:23:15,800 --> 00:23:18,360 I twisted my ankle a few weeks ago, 610 00:23:18,440 --> 00:23:19,800 so that's what-- and it's still-- 611 00:23:19,880 --> 00:23:21,240 so that's what that was. 612 00:23:21,320 --> 00:23:22,720 I know it would be convenient 613 00:23:22,800 --> 00:23:25,720 for your little theory, but I'm fine. 614 00:23:25,800 --> 00:23:27,960 I'm actually doing really well. 615 00:23:29,040 --> 00:23:30,480 Hi, Pearl. 616 00:23:40,840 --> 00:23:44,080 ♪♪ [male singer vocalizing]